What NOT to say

Sometimes, when people are in grief, we might talk less or too much to the person which could be detrimental to their current feelings. Talking is not about saying the right thing, it’s just to say something so that the person you are with can talk. Say something simple is sufficient and then be prepared to listen.

I came across a short article on what not to say when someone is grieving. Do have a look and compare yourself!

WHAT NOT TO SAY	THE ALTERNATIVE
“I know what you’re going through…”	Validate a person’s feelings: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I care and realise you are in pain.”
“Call me if you need anything.”	Take the lead. Suggest practical help. “Can I do the grocery shopping, or pick up the kids?”
“It will get better; time heals all wounds.”	Relate to how the grieving person is feeling now: “It must be so difficult for you.”
“Don’t cry; cheer up.”	Allow them to express their feelings: “Cry. It’s OK. I understand. I'm here for you.”
“Your loved one is waiting for you on the other side. It was meant to happen.”	Be sensitive about people’s spiritual beliefs: “You’re in my thoughts” is more general
“Let’s not dwell on the past.”	Remember that happy memories alleviate the pain: “Remember the time when…”
“When this happened to me ….”	Be prepared to listen and allow the person grieving to speak: “When you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen.”
“Be brave. Be strong. Hang in there.”	Don’t encourage them to bottle up their grief: “You’re in a lot of pain, I understand.”
“Let’s not talk about it; it’ll upset you too much.”	Speaking about it helps it sink in. Each time a story is told it changes the brain chemistry, so become a compassionate listener.

Source: Adapted from HEALTH SMART magazine issued on May 2009